Of Caps and SexFree Sleeping
by Cap'NCupcake
Summary: -"My life sucks ass." Riptide's story. Percabeth-ish! One-shot!


Now, I don't usually have ANs at the top, but I just thought I'd say this seriously is rated T and it's kinda graphicish. More graphicish then my normal stuff. So yeah. Just a warning.

* * *

My life sucks ass.

Yeah. It does. It used to not suck at all, really. I mean, Master used to use me _all the time_. Seriously. He, like, didn't go anywhere without me. No lie. But now it's _her. _The Boring One, as I like to call her.

Gods! They go _everywhere _together! It's ridiculous! And if they don't go out, they stay at home and watch some movie or snuggle or . . . other things. Ugh! Nasty!

But you know, I shouldn't be jealous. Has _she_ ever been in his pocket? No! Has he ever used _her _to kill some crazy monster thirsty for his blood? No! Yeah, maybe he imagined her while becoming almost invincible, but guess who he used to chop the heads off of scary zombie people out to kill him right afterward? Yeah! Me!

"Who is this 'me'?" you're probably wondering. Well, it is I, the wonderful and amazing Anaklusmos (Riptide for short).

"What!" Really? Another question? I seriously thought this was simple enough for even your little short life minds to handle. "A gay sword!" Ooooooh! Heh heh. Yeah. That.

You're probably really confused, but you shouldn't be. Sure, they kill people and they're sharp and blood looks absolutely gorgeous running down the side of them, but have you ever really thought about the sword? Next to loafers, Glee, and Chihuahuas, swords are about the gayest thing in the history of gay things.

"How?" Well I'm about to tell you.

Us swords are long, pointy sticks that get thrusted into people's bodies. Swords are just held all day long. Sometimes the Master's hand moves around a bit. Higher, lower, _around_. Whatever way, it gives me chills. Oooh! If Master doesn't take this cap off of me soon, I may just explode into my full length.

Yeah. Swords = Gay.

I just wish that Master paid attention to me like he used to. You know he used to talk to me. Totally true. It was adorable. He'd be like, "Hey Riptide. How's it going? I'm good. I just wish you were human so then I could love you the way you love me. Man I just want to take your cap off and stick you up my-"

. . .

. . .

. . .

Is it just me or was that _really _embarrassing?

Master never said that. I wish, though. I wish . . .

I had a master before Master too. Except, I didn't call him Master. I called him 'Sexy Bitch.' Everyone else called him 'Hercules' but I didn't think that portrayed his hotness enough.

Do you know that Sexy Bitch hardly ever wore a shirt? No lie. And guess what! He took baths in front of me. Yeah. You should be jealous.

Yeah, Sexy Bitch used to use me all the time for stabbing and cutting and slicing and dicing. Gods, I loved him.

Sexy Bitch never just left me behind, sitting on a dresser, to watch him and the Boring One do naughty things to each other. No. He always kept me with him. He didn't say he wanted to shove me up any sex organs or nothing, but he did love me. I know he did!

There was a time when Master loved me too. He really did. He would never go anywhere without me. He didn't even think about touching another weapon. He slept with me (in a completely sex-free way, sadly). He told me his secrets. He flipped me around and around between his fingers when he got nervous or bored. He did _everything _with me.

But now I sit on his dresser and watch him go anywhere and everywhere with her. I watch him touch her dagger and 'experiment' with bows and arrows and axes and all sorts of things. I watch him sleep with her (in completely sex-free and sex-full ways). I watch him tell her his secrets. I watch him fiddle with her hands in his when he's nervous. I watch him do _everything _with her.

Yeah. You're kinda supposed to be crying now. If my cap wasn't on, I would totally leak some ink. But I can't ink cuz my cap is on cuz Master's currently busy being busy with the Boring One. I hope he's having lots of fun!

_Sigh._ But, if I had to pick one person for Master cuz he couldn't have me, I'd have to pick someone who could love him. I'd pick someone who was obviously beautiful and deserves him. I'd pick someone who would always be there for him and always be able to look after him.

I'd pick Sexy Bitch.

* * *

I really have no idea where this even came from. I kinda just pulled it out my butt. So yeah. Thanks to Chesty's Superbest Friend for betaing! You're the best! Love ya!

I don't own anything!

:) Jordan


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